A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my plan to re-connect with my toddler after feeling like we were out of sync. Basically, it was just a list of the principles I try to follow for my parenting, in general. And it did help, some. I felt like I was reaching out more, and that helped me parent better.
However, I was still getting irritated, or upset, or frustrated once a day with her; and there wasn’t necessarily a reason. After nearly 2 weeks of ‘better, but not back to normal’, I was feeling discouraged. What if we couldn’t get ‘it’ back? Was this a preview of life to come with a newborn? How could Mommy + Gwendolyn—as we were—have totally evaporated so suddenly?
At the same time, we’ve been dealing with a l o t of sleep problems since getting back from our trip, and I had reached out to one of my parenting groups for advice. One lovely woman suggested Gwendolyn needed more going on in the day. Though my daughter does help with most chores, and we do errands, and exercise together—plus, she gets free play time in—I realized we haven’t had regular outdoor outings since getting back. Unfortunately, the more pregnant I get, and the hotter the summer gets, the less able I am to take her out for adventures. Our regular outdoor activities have also been on hold; and though they don’t happen every day, it was a way for her to socialize and really explore and learn. Without that, she has a lot less—personally—going on.
Upon realizing this, I decided to look up activities we could do together, if it weren’t too hot (since I’m not in great hiking shape anymore), as well as come up with some indoor fun. Then it hit me:
I had taken her out of my schedule.
Don’t get me wrong, obviously she was still there—and a part of my plans: morning routine, errands, naps, etc.—but the reason I was always getting frustrated was because I wasn’t making plans to just be with her.
I’m not taking about grand plans. But I used to plan little things: let’s get outside in X place together; what if we had a bubble bath; let’s pal around just for fun; or color. Like I said, nothing big, but it was still me thinking ahead, and hoping we would have fun together and connect. I had stopped doing that.
Between this blog, nesting, fostering kittens, trying to get back into the habit of reading regularly, and stress/irritation-scrolling on my phone….I was booked. Basically, I was always cleaning, or cooking, or taking her out to do tasks, and then at home, I was always ‘busy’ or ‘working’. No matter how simple the request, I always had something else going on. I would play with her some, but I had other things to do, and those were taking up a lot of time. Of course I was frustrated. I was always occupied; no time for interruptions.
I’m sharing this with you, not only because I wrote about what I thought would fix it totally, and have since learned that there’s more to it (don’t want to leave you with an incomplete solution); but also because I think it’s an easy thing to forget.
Sometimes, we have really busy periods in our lives. When we try to get family life back to normal, it might take a bit. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get it back.
I’m happy to report that planning to have free time to spend with my daughter has indeed steered us back in the right direction. It’s only been a week, but she notices. I think she seems happier and more secure. I feel calmer, not trying to fill up every spare second of my time with something. So far, I haven’t even had to plan very much; I’ve only used a couple of ideas. We wandered Target with no aim or time frame, we’ve played together with no end time, I’ve spent more time reading (and less on my phone) so I’m more available for spontaneous connection, and I’ve tried to come up with small things for her to do that are just a touch different from our everyday.
With my focus on making her smile, and having us connect each day, I am not getting upset when she’s emotional. My ‘happy mom + baby’ cup is full enough to take it on. As a result, there are less negative emotions all around. We end the day, and I feel like we were really together.
If you’re struggling to feel closer to your child, and looking for solutions, I really hope these ideas help you, and you can learn from my experience. But I’d love to hear what other ideas you’ve had for getting that deep connection back—one can never have too many good ideas!
