Second-time pregnancy has a lot of perks. My first birth went well, so I haven’t had to really make any changes to how I plan to birth; I have taken care of a baby before; I know how to breastfeed…and no one assumes I’m a total noob who must need unsolicited advice. Basically, I kind of know what I’m doing.
That’s a pretty significant difference from the first time. I think that it’s inevitable that first-time parents feel a bit worried, because you really can’t know what parenthood is going to be like until you’re there. It’s immersive, and so much better than you (well, at least I) could imagine.
But there’s one big problem that I see come up a lot: moms trying to scare pregnant moms.
Yeah. That’s right—even though it seems crazy. But comments sections, and even ‘mom’ humor is riddled with moms jabbing at poor pregnant women, going on about how much worse life will be after their baby arrives.
In my personal life experience, and online, it plays out like this: a first-time pregnant mom is tired of being pregnant. Her body hurts; she has no idea what exactly the future will hold; she’s worn out or worn down, and she desperately needs a place to vent, and, hopefully, some encouraging words. Instead, she is bombarded with “Just wait until you actually have the baby!”, or “Oh, such-and-such problem was actually worse for me after the baby was born!”
Excuse me, but WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT? What good can come from your words? What outcomes do you see? Do you truly see a pregnant woman, who feels miserable, and think “If I let her know I thought things were worse postpartum, she’ll smile and perk up?? ?!?!?!?! Pregnant women are notoriously hormonal, their bodies are going through a crap ton of changes, and they have the unknown before them. I’m sorry, but I have to ASSUME you know better (for the sake of presumed intellect), and are subconsciously being mean.
Just like the women who share their birthing horror stories at a new mother’s baby shower, I figure you think your misery is a badge of honor. If you don’t share it, then no one can think you strong and brave.
But that’s ridiculous. Loving support and encouragement are obviously what pregnant women need—and you could offer it just as easily (and if you literally can’t, then don’t say anything; that’s the easiest option anyway). You can be a hero by being a listening ear, and a positive support.
Personally, I believe I had undiagnosed perinatal depression the first time (after looking back on some of my thoughts and actions), and I definitely had anxiety. In fact, I think my anxiety was so high, it didn’t resolve until my daughter was nearly 2—and I was so used to feeling super anxious by then, that the lack of anxiety made me feel like something was broken! My first pregnancy, I sat around, and had a complete lack of creativity. I was sad and immobile so much of the time. I was also pretty open that things were’n’t planned, and that I was absolutely not a ‘kid person’. As I didn’t know to seek chiropractic care, or how much exercise I could safely do, my body was in pretty rough shape…very rough shape.
So, when I would wake up at 2 am s t a r v i n g like I hadn’t eaten in days, eat, then have to eat 2 more times just to feel full enough to go to sleep hours later, I would post on Facebook. It was late, I was hormonal, and upset, and nothing felt good. I needed support more than anything. I felt like having a child so soon might be the end of the world (thanks hormones, geez). And what was I greeted with?
“I was more hungry once I was nursing” “You think you’re tired now, just wait?” “Having the baby out won’t resolve any of your current issues!”…
A very pregnant mother in a terrible mental and physical state was left with that to chew on. What message does that send?: ‘parenthood is probably even worse than you can imagine’. Obviously it wrecked me.
I know that my experience isn’t unique. I see the stories moms post tearfully, begging to be told that what their ‘friend’ said isn’t true. Thankfully, there are spaces where they can get just that. But we need to do better, as a culture, and especially as fellow-moms.
Stop telling pregnant moms that having her baby will be worse.
Sure, you might know a baby hungry gal who just doesn’t seem to understand that babies are more than baby dolls…maybe try and share your knowledge with her in a ‘life hacks’, or ‘I found this really interesting’ type of way. Oh course, you don’t want her to be super blindsided by the work parenting takes. But I don’t think that most moms fit into that category. If you think a woman is probably well (enough)-read, keeps herself informed about the difficulties of parenthood, or is simply anxious enough to not be a total air-head about what adding a baby will do, then there is no need to ever bring it up.
If you’re not sure what you could say to be realistic and comforting, maybe try one of the following:
If mom complains about physical pains:
-“Yikes, sounds rough. Hang in there!”
-“I dealt with the same thing. It sucks! Sorry you’re having to deal with it.”
-“You’re so close now–and then things will go back to normal.”
-Sounds like [insert partner’s name] needs to give you a [insert part the hurts] massage stat!”
If mom’s expressing mental health issues:
-“Oh, no! [insert what made you happy while pregnant] really helped me.”
-“I know it’s really, really hard right now. But things will get better”
-“It seems like you’re having a hard time. I want you to know, I think you’re doing a great job, and will be a wonderful mother.”
-“I had some of the same thoughts. I’d love to talk with you about them, if you’d like.”
Personally, motherhood has not been any harder than I imagined it would be. Seriously. I prepared enough that I actually knew what to expect (my baby was even high-needs).
Instead, I’ve been taken aback time and time again by how wonderful and fulfilling motherhood can be.
I hope that all mothers out there feel the same way: that raising their children is rewarding, and filled with little wonders.
Obviously, parenting is challenging—super challenging, at times. But that gripe session is best left to your friends in the same circumstance as you, not the lovely new mother who has yet to hold her child.
Be nice to pregnant women. Let’s unite to calm the fears our society has around motherhood, and bond in a supportive sisterhood.
