When I found out I was pregnant the second time, I was excited, because I wanted a sibling for Gwendolyn. However, one of my primary concerns was making sure she was as prepared for a new baby. It was important to me to do what I could to set that relationship up for success. There’s too much out there about upset older siblings, and I wanted to avoid that, if I could.
I am very pleased to say that Gwendolyn has been a loving, doting, and very helpful big sister! At only 9 weeks in, I know her ‘right now mood’ isn’t necessarily her ‘forever mood’, but it still has been over two months of sweet interaction. So, for anyone hoping, like I did, to ease the transition from only child to older sibling, here’s the lowdown on what we did to set our oldest up for success.
let them know how important they are to your family – you don’t have to go full-out ‘Lindsay crazy’, but when we finally told Gwendolyn I was pregnant at 20 weeks, I made a powerpoint presentation. Yup. It started with a picture from each of our professionally-taken family pictures, and we talked about how she was an important member of our family. From there, we brought up the good times we’d had in 2019 so far, as well as lots of pictures from the previous year and fun experiences we’d had together. Next, I showed her her month photos from her first year––going back to her birth announcement––and we talked about how we always loved her. Then, we shared our first photos as a family of three, pictures from the day she was born, of when I was pregnant with her, and, finally, her ultrasound picture. We let her know she was special to us even back then. At the end, she opened a gift with matching hoodies for Dad, Mom, her, and….we announced we’d be going to get another ultrasound the next day, because I was pregnant again. It was important for us to let her know that we were just adding, not replacing.
don’t bump them – we never wanted Gwendolyn to feel like she was no longer allowed to be our little once we had a baby. We let her role-play as a baby, and would say things like, ‘when little brother is here, you’ll be able to show him how to do that’. Not forcing kids to stop being ‘the baby’ (i.e. the one who gets mom’s attention), and focusing on how we all would be working together to take care of the baby, I think, set her up to not feel like her place in the family was threatened. As a result, she’s actually been quite helpful with her brother––he’s a family effort!
give them something to look forward to – when Gwendolyn was having fun, I would often point out that, one day, she and baby brother could do that together. Excited at the idea of a playmate at home, she started bring up things she was exited to do with him. Painting a vision of a potential future––and one that is fun––seemed to help her feel happy that she’d be getting a sibling soon.
set up realistic expectations – occasionally, her enthusiasm got her talking about things that weren’t actually going to happen—at least not soon. She would say thing like, ‘when baby brother is born, he’s going to wear shoes’, or ‘I can’t wait for little brother, he will play with me with my toys!’. Though obviously they will get to that point, I wanted her to know that baby would not being doing those things for a long time. He would mostly just sleep, and eat, and cry. But that’s normal for a baby! I didn’t want her grand plans to get crushed later, so I made sure she knew kind of what to expect.
give a crash course – in the last month of pregnancy, I did family home evening lessons on baby topics. For one, we discussed the new sleeping arrangements (she would be moving to a side bed), and got her amped up for it. Another was about birth, where we talked in-depth about our birth plan, and what would happen; we even watched birth videos. She let us know her thoughts and desires for the event, too. Lastly, we went over the basics of what life with a new baby would entail, just as a refresher. These short lessons provided an opportunity for everyone to voice their hopes and concerns, and made sure we knew how we all felt.
don’t blame the baby – before he was born, I knew we needed to be mindful of our wording. If Gwendolyn were to feel negative feelings, we wanted them to be directed towards us. Instead of “shh, be quiet, the baby’s sleeping,’ we wanted to focus more on ‘shhh, the baby just fell asleep and I want to rest’, or ‘I feel nervous when you do that near the baby’, or ‘I’m sorry, the baby’s upset, and I just really want to make him feel better.’ Shifting the focus allows her to feel that the person being most annoying is me or my husband, and not the baby. Baby just does as baby does; Mom and Dad are the ones who have the feelings about it. This way, should she feel annoyed at what’s going on, she doesn’t take it as the baby upsetting everything.
let them know this is how things were with them as a baby – when I was pregnant, if she brought up realistic things we’d do with the baby, we’d confirm, and tell her about how we did it with her. I told her lots of stories about the first few months of her life, and let her know that we’d do the same for her brother. Now that he’s here, we continue that practice, and tell her about her own experiences as an infant.
make sure they still get attention – this is a big one. A new baby is a large change. The first few weeks, Todd primarily gave her attention, which she enjoyed. However, as more time goes on, she needs more from me. Some days, baby is needy enough that I can’t do that much with her. On those days, it’s good to ask her what she’d like to do to have special time with me, and then I follow through––even if it’s just playing together for 30 minutes. I also will talk to her on days where she’s not gotten as much attention, and let her know it was a busy day, and I missed spending as much time together.
That’s what we’ve done to help mitigate sibling jealousy, and so far, it seems to be working pretty well! Not every day is perfect; but she seems frustrated with us, and not her brother, which is what we wanted. Truly, she is so kind, and thoughtful, and loving. Often, she’ll help out by giving her brother a hug, or bring me a burp rag, or requesting that I play his lullabies when he’s upset. I’m very proud of the big sister she is.
Have you found anything else useful in for getting an older child prepared, or adjusted to, a new baby? I feel like, when it comes to aiding in sibling friendship, you can never have too many tips. If you got ‘em, leave a comment! And if you have a new baby, or are expecting, I hope these ideas help you and your family out.
Good luck!
