Everyone’s got a story, in person, or where they read something that made them feel bad. I’ve been shamed in real-life before, so I know it sucks, especially if the shamer seems to have more authority than you. But why is mom shaming considered so pervasive? People often don’t get their feelings hurt so badly in regards to other areas where they don’t agree with others (aside from politics, these days, which are a mess). Why is that?
I have a theory.
When you are expecting a baby, you read. You plan, you think about what you liked about your childhood, and what you didn’t. You make decisions.
But, the thing is, everybody else is doing the same thing, too. And because everyone has different backgrounds, experiences, and family lives, the conclusions we come to can be very different. We all want the best for our children, so we are all assuming we have found the best (at least for now) way to do things. Parenting is such a labour of love, and we want to feel like we’re doing the best, so it can be really upsetting, and aggravating for others’ to have come to different conclusions.
But I think we’re using the term ‘mom-shaming’ too much. I think, a lot of the time (not all the time, and you’ll know when it is purposeful, directed shaming) us moms just want to talk about how happy we are with the decisions we made, or we want to be proud of some element of parenting we feel we’re doing well. We may even truly be appalled at other parenting methods, and not in a cruel way. That’s not shaming.
When you’re going to have a baby, and you start preparing, you have to make decisions, and sometimes those decisions are based on the fact that one way seems fine, and the other feels wrong to you; and I don’t feel like expressing that (online especially) means your shaming. Shaming, to me, is railing on someone for making decisions you don’t agree with, or attacking people you have bad feelings towards for no good reason.
What about people who didn’t plan or read, or prepare much, and then feel shamed, you might ask? Well, maybe there’s a reason they feel that way. WAIT, I’ll explain.
I have read things before that are against the ways that I parent. But I never have felt shamed, because I have done a ton of research, and know what feels morally right, and functional to my family.
I also speculate that: moms who feel excessive shame are often ones who haven’t thought much about how to parent/what they want their family life to be like. So, when someone calls something they do out, they can’t stand by it, because they don’t even know why they do it! But it’s just an oversight, not a moral character flaw.
I say, parent however you want, but do it because you’ve put in the time to figure out why you are going to do it that way, what the benefits, and drawbacks are, and then stick to your guns. And if you can’t, and still feel shame, then maybe what you’re doing isn’t right after all. Do what makes you and your babies feel right. And if you’re not sure what that is right now, it’s okay. You’ll figure it out. You got this!
