This year marks 9 years of marriage for me and Todd. To be completely honest, we really lucked out in the communication department, because we have similar-enough communication styles; and expectations for how our relationship should be, and how we should be treated, and treat each other. But, over the years, we still have improved a lot from where we started. Since communication is such a vital part of of relationship, we wanted to share the communication tips that have been the most helpful to us.
as the speaker
use “I” statements – I feel so fortunate that I came across this online before getting married, and I do try to where to it as much as possible. Basically, when you’re expressing a feeling, or trying to bring up a problem with the other person, you don’t say, for example, “You never put your dishes in the dishwasher. You always put them in the sink, and you are never the one who cleans them up.” Never, always, never. They’re sweeping statements that are likely not 100% true, but even if they are, they aren’t going to help the other person feel open to your feedback, or requests. “When I see dishes in the sink, I feel frustrated, because I’m the one who usually deals with the dishes”. State things from your perspective, based on how you feel, not on insulting what may or may not even be factual about what the other person is doing.
This also lends itself very well to just talking about how something made you feel. It is more vulnerable, and therefore harder, to say, “When you said that, you made me feel like you didn’t care,” but that’s much better than using your bruised feelings to sling, “You are a jerk who obviously never bothers to listen!” or whatever.
never assume you are reading the other person’s mind – this is one I personally had to work through a lot, though Todd has also had to deal with this from a different angle. For me, I have been trained through my experiences growing up to expect a certain kind of reaction based off of some things I do, or feelings I have. A few years ago, I became aware of this, and have since strived to undo my default reaction. I would assume that Todd felt a certain way, about something I did or said, and then I was reacting or even feeling things as a reaction back to this guessed-reaction of Todd’s. Then I would get more and more upset, or feel like there was a simmering issue, when it turned out, almost every time, he didn’t care at all. It’s just undoing learned response, but it was eye-opening ot realize that he didn’t react the same way to things that my family did.
For Todd, he has deep-rooted suspicions due to justified trust-breaches in his past. So, throughout our relationship, it has come out a few times a year, when one of my silly mess ups, or immature insistence of something seems to him like me trying to manipulate him, when when that wasn’t what was going on.
When both of us have come to realize what exactly we were reacting about, we have been able to cut down these miscommunication instances almost completely.
don’t assume the other person can read your mind – one the flip side, you have to communicate your needs. Maybe even if you’ve said them before (obviously, if your needs and wants are never remembered—ever—that’s a different problem). The other person might want to respect your desire to do something at a specific time, but if the week has been crazy, and you never brought it up again, they might innocently have forgotten. If there’s something you really want to do, you’ll probably need to make sure the other person is really able to give you their full attention when you express your desire for it. Or you’ll need to add it to a shared calendar. If you’re feeling bad, and need something, you might need to ask directly, because the other person might prefer something totally different in your situation.
Assume the best—forgetfulness, them having a full plate, the possibility that they honestly don’t know what you want or need in a given situation—and then clearly state what it is you need. If you are able to do that with a decent scoop of calmness, someone who loves and cares for you will probably be receptive to what you’re saying or asking for.
as the listener
ask what there other person wants – We’ve all been there: our partner is complaining about a problem, or worrying about something, or ranting, and we want to jump in with the solution. It’s natural: this person I love is feeling bad, I want to fix it. But so much of the time, when someone is feeling down, they don’t want to hear, “Well, it’s actually not that hard a fix, just do this!” Lots of times, people just want to process their feelings. However, sometimes, just listening can come across as passive, if the other person is looking for help or support. As the listener, ask the other person, “Do you want a listening ear, or to problem solve?” It’s really simple, but so, so effective and wonderful. Very rarely will the other person not know. Then, you’ll be able to help them in the way they need, and there will be no added problem of the other person feeling like all you tried to do was fix instead of listen; or listen when they needed solutions.
reflect back – this is one of the b e s t ways to avoid miscommunications. When the other person is talking, once they finish what they’re saying, try to cliff notes it back to them, to ensure you’re on the same page. “Okay, I’m hearing that you’re feeling upset that you’re so tired today, but you felt like you had to stay up late last night just to squeeze in enough time for yourself. Is that correct?” If it’s not, they can further help you, and you can reflect back until you’re on the same page. It’s hard to help or give advice, if you aren’t really getting what they’re saying. And in moments of emotional upset, that can then spiral into an argument of its own.
validate – this is the most important one. If you don’t try any others on this list, try this one—it’s not just for couples, it’s for everyone: between friends, family, adults, and toddlers alike. Just validate the feelings of the other person. To clarify, validation is not agreeing with. It’s just saying that you understand what the other person said, and that the chain of actions they took has a logic to it (even if you don’t agree with it, or wouldn’t have acted that way yourself).
This is easily identified with a toddler: “Hmm, I see. You felt so mad that she played with your toy without asking you, that you hit her. You were so mad!” See. In that sentence, there is not justifying of the actions. From there, you can easily add, “She should not have taken your toy without asking you. Still, we can’t hit people when we’re mad. You can tell her she needs to give the toy back, or you can come tell me. If you’re still mad, you can hit this pillow.”
Now, between adults, we can see the similarities, “That is really upsetting that no one even told you they were getting together. That sucks. I know it’s important for you to spend time with your family.” You can leave it there. If a problem happend, you can address it only after fully validating (likely the other person will accept your first validation, and then rant more, and then you can validated more). “I know that really hurt your feelings, but am not okay with you getting snippy with me, because they didn’t invite you.” Between adults, that’s often enough.
Communication is so important to forging connection, and helping each other feel heard and understood. I hope these suggestions help you in your relationship with your partner, but also anyone in your life.
