No matter your parenting situation or style, I’m pretty sure, at some point, we’ve all felt like we need to re-connect with our children. Personally, I find great joy in motherhood, and fondly remember the times we’ve been the most in sync.
However, life has ups and downs, and things won’t always be the exact same all the time (thank goodness, for the most part, right?). It’s during these bigger shifts—whether that be a developmental leap for my toddler, or something else in my life—that I start to notice things are different. I’m not the parent I usually am, and strive to be. I am frustrated much quicker, I’m less understanding, and I feel inconvenienced a lot. To be fair, there are simply busier times that we have to work through, but it’s the ‘getting back to normal’ part that I want to focus on.
Though it’s been just over a month, we did some-what-recently get back from vacation, and bedtime is still a struggle (again). Also, this last week has been particularly stressful for me, and now I’m ready to get our family back on track. This post is actually completely impromptu, as it’s just what’s on my mind right now. As I’ve been striving to reset myself as a mother, I wanted to share what I find most important for re-connecting with, or simply just enjoying our children. In another word, working to make things GREAT:
Go Slow – before vacation, I wasn’t able to make blog posts ahead of time, so I played catchup for a week when I got home. But I was also still making the content I planned to release at that time. I was writing, or taking pictures, or planning a lot. Between that, our foster kittens, and house projects, I was always trying to troubleshoot something. Unfortunately, that meant that Gwendolyn frequently got the short end of the stick. Often, I wasn’t really watching when she asked. I didn’t have time for a lot of her ideas, and I was rushing us both about a lot.
Take time to really soak in cuddles in the morning. Cook together, and let it happen at toddler pace. Observe nature together, spend time where you can enjoy each other without others distractions, and just play. At first, this can seem tedious, especially if you have a lot on your mind. But I find, after a little time, and you’ll get used to feeling unhurried, and find it enjoyable.
Respond – When I’ve got a post to finish, or I’m working through something, I too often just glance as a response to “Look, Mom!” Though a lot of the things I’m being asked to look at aren’t that big of a deal—sometimes they are—it’s all about that connection, and sharing life with each other. I read once that some scientists could tell which couples would get divorced and which wouldn’t strictly based on how they responded to ‘bids’. Basically, if a spouse says, “Oh, look a blue jay!”, and their partner responds with getting up, or asking a question, or acknowledging the comment in any way, they’re in a good relationship. If they ignore the other person, or say something snide, things won’t go well.
I think it’s probably the same for parent/child relationships. Maybe I’d miss out on something that actually is cool and deserves attention; maybe she just needs me to check in because I’m busy; maybe it’s simply about sharing what she’s enjoying in the moment.
As I’ve made a point of re-connecting, I’ve found that she’s ecstatic when I respond to her bids. And I feel more in sync with her when I appreciate the little things going on.
Eye Contact – Since becoming a parent, I have made a point of making eye contact. As a shy person, even with my family that could be hard for me, at times. I think it’s working, because Gwendolyn is generally pretty good at it. However, lately, I’ve noticed I’ve had to ask her to make eye-eye-contact with me more…almost like she’s used to my attention being diverted. Today, we had lots during our various conversations, and it was wonderful to pause and just talk to each other.
If you’re not in the habit, make sure that you aren’t distracted while your child talks to you, and keep searching for their eyes. If they get excited to share something, odds are you’ll get that, and can go from there. I also make a point of asking her to look at my eyes when I need to apologize, or explain.
Attempt Balance – for both you and your little one. This point may be the most difficult. See, I have the home to upkeep (and the large amounts of planning, and other things that entails), and this blog to work on, but I’m also pregnant. This means that spending 2 hours at bedtime does not work out well for me—and usually because of the pregnancy discomfort. It’s important that I have time to relax, without a toddler on me, or time to get a few things done that might have been too tricky to do during the day. However, Gwendolyn also has needs. She goes through growth spurts, and picks up on our emotions and stressors. She needs consistency and connection.
Even though it super sucks to be an adult in this situation, the best thing we’ve found to do is to stick to bedtime. Even if the summer sun is still shining bright. When we stick to the schedule—usually—we all end up in a better place. She’s down at a somewhat reasonable time, and then we get the rest of the evening to ourselves. If we get lax—in the name of family fun, even—we all pay for it, as she takes forever to get to sleep, and then we are left with no time to unwind ourselves.
Obviously, that helps kids, but it also helps us. Other ways you can tend to yourself are: tandem parenting tasks, so you get a little adult connection time; setting schedules or rules (i.e. needing kids in bed by a certain time to get stories, or maybe scheduled alone time for you to get ready); and making sure your space is how you want it (i.e. I don’t like kid’s toys left in the bedroom. We have family bed, but it’s still the grownup’s room)
Tech-free – This one seems basic, but is so easy to slip into. I use my phone for notes (from house projects, to my grocery list, to this blog, to daily to-so lists), texting, recipes, and social media. Though several of those could be considered just necessities, my toddler is still picking up how much I’m looking at my phone. It’s so easy to pull out the phone when nursing a sleeping baby, but eventually they get bigger and take note. I’ve also noticed I tend to stress-scroll now when I’m anxious.
It’ll be a bit pesky, especially if you use your phone for a lot of different things (not mostly social media), but try making a conscious effort to use it less. Sit there after you finish lunch, and wait for your little to finish. Read a book when you have a little downtime. Tidy something, even something small—you’ll be amazed at how much tidier your house can be if you do that instead of scroll through school media!
Personally, I enjoy having my girl seeing me read, or petting the cats, or simply enjoying being home. I set the example, and being tired to a phone is not a part of what I want for her.
What other ways do you find really effective for re-connecting with your child? What, in general, makes you enjoy your children? I’d love to hear any of your good ideas!
I hope these GREAT points help you out, if you have the need. Even if you’re not struggling, I basically use these ideas as the foundation for how I try to parent, and they have made the whole thing highly enjoyable for me, so I hope it’s the same for you, too.
Good luck!
