Community. It’s one of those things I always knew was important, but it wasn’t until more recent years that I’ve really put a ton of effort and emphasis on it in the lives of myself and my family. Having an interest in psychology, I have read a lot about how vital a sense of belonging, and community was to humans. It has a massive impact on quality of life, and even life expectancy.
However, as a shy, introverted person, I would read those words and not know how to proceed. How could I create community, and unifying experiences with others in a way that felt good, authentic, and non-draining to me?
In my life, that’s never been an easy task. Even in college, though I made friends, really good and close friends that I’m still best friends with, it was over a long, and very organic period of time. Years later, when I had my daughter, I tried to connect with other parents, and even attempted to start a playgroup of my own, but people came once and never again, or flaked entirely (I’m talking 6 say they’re coming, no one shows up). It was isolating, and dejecting, to say the least. Luckily, I still had friends around, but most weren’t parents yet, and had day jobs. However, after we moved back to Provo, I discovered Hike It Baby, and was able to connect with the parents there. Even if we were’t all best friends, everyone was sociable, and inclusive, and it was—I cannot state this strongly enough—so wonderful to finally have a group who expected and wanted to see me and my daughter at least once a week.
In 2020, pre-pandemic, I was fortunate enough to be in a postpartum mom’s group that was highly supportive. Before then, I would 100% scoff when people would say things like ‘amazing group of women’, because, to me, that sounded phony—like what very fake people would say about friends they weren’t actually close with. After experiencing it, in a decent-sized group no less, I came away different, because I experienced vulnerability and support like I hadn’t before. I planned to keep things going with other weekly outings with this same group, but then everything went into lockdown.
Around that exact same time, I read Meik Wiking’s The Little Book of Lykke. And after experiencing community support like I just had, the idea of community as an indispensable part of a healthy, happy life was locked into place. I’ve discussed the book elsewhere, so I won’t totally repeat myself, but he gives ideas and provides examples for how to create community in your sphere. I was inspired, but also tired (new baby, remember). I came up with ideas, but have only slowly been implementing them over the years.
And, now, I want to share them with you. Because everyone deserves community, and a sense of place where they are, and support.
do more with the people you already like – this is one of the best ways to create a fulfilling community system. It may seem like everyone you know is already too busy, but you’d be surprised how many people can find time for a community-strengthening activity that happens at a set time. When Todd and I were first married, some of our best friends hosted a game night every Sunday afternoon. There was always us ‘core-3’ couples, but occasionally someone would invite others, too. It was something we could count on, and was chill, so it wasn’t hard to show up. Several years later, when my daughter was around a year old, since we were searching for community ourselves, we reached out to a few couples asking if they’d be interested in doing a weekly ‘soup night’. The idea was that everyone would be responsible for their own meal, but we could share, as well. I have a whole post on our years of soup night-ing, which you can read here. These activities were awesome weekly social events that ensured we’d get some good time in with friends. Take those in your circle, and try out something scheduled weekly, or bi-monthly, or monthly!
join a class – I had no idea that this one could be so amazing. About 5 years ago, Todd started regularly attending a HEMA (Historical-European Martial Arts) class. It was so great for him, especially as a new-ish dad, because it was every week (actually twice), and he could work on a skill he loved, and make friends with people who also shared his passion. Now, not every class is created equal. A one-off, or a week-long class may not result in lasting, meaningful friendships. However, if you can get into a club, or an ongoing class, I think the value cannot be overemphasized. A year ago, I stated taking a local Korean class, and it has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. Not only is it really helpful for my learning, but the class gets along really well, and I became tremendously fond of my first teacher (he literally felt like family; he was just the best). I also met one of my really good friends there, and have made friends with other classmates, too. Both of my kids have benefited from year-long classes, and it’s been wonderful to see them feel like they belong in those places. In the past, Todd has taken some Continuing Education courses (6-8 weeks, often) at a local college, and really enjoyed them. Right now, I’m enrolled in my first dance class ever, and though it’s not massive for community building, it’s nice—5 weeks in—to get to learn this skill with others who also appreciate it, and get to mess up, and celebrate together.
connect with local groups – whether it’s money, or lack of resources, ot whatever else, sometimes paying for a class isn’t in the cards. That’s where finding local groups can be hugely helpful. Facebook isn’t good for much of anything anymore—except for groups. If you can find a local neighborhood or parents group, which are very common, you can search the group for gatherings or clubs, or make a post yourself asking if anyone knows of any local groups that might align with your interests, or stage in life. I think that’s how I initially found Hike It Baby. In the past, I used it to know when and where my favourite Zumba teacher would be teaching. If nothing else, you can use fb groups themselves as a means of community (which I did when my daughter was little), as you can find ones that relate to your specific interest (ex: outdoor families; attachment parenting; baby carriers; cat groups)
volunteer – over the years, Todd and I have volunteered with a few different organizations. Though that hasn’t led to the close friendships we’ve gleaned from classes or clubs, it has given us place to put our skills—that we might not be able to otherwise utilize, or utilize in the ways we want—into action, and to do so with other’s who value those same things. We’re currently both volunteering at the same place, and we are starting to get more involved, and create more connections with other volunteers.
neighborhood events – in your own neighborhood, whether that’s a suburban street, or a floor of apartments, you can host your own events. Maybe people will turn out, maybe they won’t, but, with fliers + consistency, I think that eventually, you’ll get guests. This is one area we haven’t implemented how I dream of yet, but maybe someday. Basically, my idea is so create an event, and put fliers on doors or mailboxes, and just do the thing! Here are some ideas I’ve tentatively considered for our neighborhood:
- first day of summer (ish) water play. Get a slip ’n slide, or one of those splash pad mats, water balloons, water guns, or just a sprinkler. Maybe BBQ.
- Oktober Fest – until last year, I was a t o t a l Halloween Grinch. So, I thought it would be fun, as an alternative, to host basically an appetizer party with butterbeer.
- earth day clean up – we did this ourselves the first spring we were in our house, but it would be fun to have everyone pitch in, and tidy up their yards all together. I bet it’d only take 1-2 hours max.
- neighborhood biking – Todd, for years, has wanted to have a bike group right here. This could go under the ‘do more with people you already like’, but we could meet new people, too, so I’ve put it here. Maybe every day, or once a week, you’d just say “I’m biking at this time, to X location, feel free to join”.
- progressive dinner. This is where you have 1-3 appetizers (maybe app or bread; then soup; then salad), a main meal, and a dessert or two (or crio bru 😉 ), but with each course, you move to someone else’s house. Then everyone gets some moving in between dishes, and it’s not up to one host to have a bunch of people in their place all evening.
- christmas party. Sort of an open house situation, with the expectation that everyone bring an appetizer to share.
- neighborhood book club. This obviously could be done with anyone you know, but when people live close together, it increases the odds that people will show up in person. Plus, as you see each other around, you could talk about where you are in the book.
neighborhood directory – this, I think, is going to seem low-impact, but this has also been at the top of my list. Print out a questionnaire for each house/unit, but say that no one has to volunteer more info than they want to. Ask who lives there—including pets!—what they do. Then see if anyone has tools they’d be willing to have on a list for other folks to borrow; or any skills they would be interested in teaching or helping others with; along with phone numbers. Include a due date at the bottom to ensure you get them back in a timely manner. Anyone who returns their questionnaire gets a binder back with phone numbers, household member info (which can help adults connect with each other, and kids to find friends), the tool borrowing list, and the skills-help list. The hope is that, in general, you can know who lives around you, and maybe even connect. And, in an emergency, you can look out for each other. You could also consider creating a fb group for the neighborhood, so people can post about events, or other things there.
There you have it, all my ideas for creating a community! I hope that some of these ideas has sparked your interest, and made you feel like maybe you really can be a do-er who crafts the kind of community they want to be a part of.
For anyone wanting to make a community directory, I decided to offer ours for download, so you can easily put together one for where you live.
Good Luck!
