Attachment parenting: where attentive, hands-on, gentle practices––and often co-sleeping, and ‘extended’ breastfeeding––rein supreme. Critics of this parenting style frequently posit that it would be unsustainable with more than one child. After all, how can you keep giving so much to one child, add another, and continue with that balance? Lots of families do it, actually. For those interested, I thought I’d share how we’re attachment parenting differently now that we have two children.
Danielle Woodall Photography 
Shailynn Film + Photo
When we only had our daughter, to be honest, we were pretty lax on schedules. If we wanted to stay up until midnight with friends, we just did. She would fall asleep, and we were all going to be in bed together anyway; we could just sleep in later. We also were able to troubleshoot any problems she was having in a very involved manner, because she was our focus. Basically, in both of these areas, we didn’t run into much trouble, because we had the luxury of being really flexible.
However, with a new baby, and a very opinionated toddler, we knew we needed to set some more structural boundaries. It would help our day be more predicable, and help our little one adjust to life in our family. We now have our morning and evening routines, and they allow everyone to get taken care of in a timely fashion. The routines are dependable, and make it easier to enforce getting the steps done, because they’re an everyday, same time of day thing.
When it comes to general rules, we lay them out for our toddler. If she knows the rules, and knows why they’re rules, she’s more likely to listen to them. That’s not to say that we didn’t have rules before; it’s just that we were usually close at hand to enforce them. With more free alone time, since the baby takes a lot of my attention, Gwendolyn has more opportunities to get into things. We have found, though, that setting boundaries (‘we don’t use that unless mom or dad are around’) gives her a system she feels confident, and she knows what she can do, and what she really shouldn’t be doing. It’s not perfect, but we know that she knows our expectations. And if she does make a mistake? Mistakes happen, and we talk it through, as usual.
Having just one child meant that Todd and I were able to ‘switch off’ sometimes, and let the other person just go have fun. Or we would all hang out together, and it was really easy to resume our life as normal, for the most part. Just one child is so romantic. Now, we very rarely have the luxury of passing off the babies totally to one another, especially right now while Harry’s so small. Instead, we usually have to work together to keep everything running smoothly. One person plays with Gwendolyn one-on-one while the other wears the baby. Obviously, it’s even more involved, and includes less ‘fun breaks’, but the kids are getting what they need. Being all together is still important. On the good days, we’re able to all enjoy our time together, and on the bad days, at least Todd and I have each other.
Along time same lines, we make sure Gwendolyn, in particular, gets some time alone with each parent. We’ve noticed that if she gets enough attention from each of us, she’s in a better space. We want her to know that we still value being with just her. Plus, when one parent is with her, the other gets time with just Harry. If you’re looking for more ideas on settling a child up for success with the arrival of a new sibling, I have an entire post on that.
Finally, we get everyone involved. Not just for fun, or solidarity, but as a team. Gwendolyn can help us with the baby and keeping the house tidy, or in more exciting chores like cooking and folding laundry. Todd and I can support each other after long days. We view our family as a group enterprise. Both kids seem to feel happy and secure when we work together, acknowledging the needs of each family member, too. Everyone has feelings, everyone has needs and wants, and can help, or be helped.
So, that’s how we’re doing things these days. A little more structure, and a whole lot of intentional collaboration. And having the kids on the same schedule means, most nights, they fall asleep at the same time, and then we have a m a z i n g kid-free time where we watch a bunch of Netflix and eat snacks.
Do you attachment parent? If so, how has that experience been for you? I think the world could do with hearing more experiences of positive parenting.
